The First Love Letter

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What today is the conflict of choices and responsibilities, was once an endearing quest of attaining love. It began in the mountains and grew in the cool breezy evenings over steaming cups of coffee, and poetic clinks of wine glasses. Mutual admiration flowed like soft notes of music, and soon they were dancing to the "Magic Flute'.

It was one of these times, when he wrote her his first love letter.

Sia, it’s seldom that I sit down to write. Though it’s often that I wish I had written about things. I took an off from work today; I haven’t had a shower, haven’t event brushed my teeth, but I made myself the perfect cup of tea. A big cup of tea, and I took time out, to write.   

Life has been going at a rather fast pace, a lot has been happening, there have been changes, and I haven’t really had time to think. So I’m taking a break today, and I wish to write about what’s been going on.   

I’m taking the liberty of sharing this note with you – without even asking if you’d care to read. It’s going to be a long one – and I wouldn’t ever ask if you finished reading. Like you say everyone has their own journey, I’m not sure if I should expect you to read, though I’d be delighted if you would.   

I’m 29. And it already feels like it’s been too long. There have been good times, there have been bad times. Luck has been a friend in many things; luck has been a foe in many other. In general, life has been good – and I shouldn’t complain.   

We made acquaintance in the oddest of ways, and I know that makes both of us a little uncomfortable. All I can do to comfort myself and to try and provide comfort to you – is to say that in many ways, we are both unconventional, we’ve always stood up for ourselves, we’re strong individuals, and that none of us would commit to spend the rest of our life with each other unless we feel we’ve beaten the oddity of this whole thing and turned it into a crazy kind of romance.   

I’ve always been a rebel, I’ve always been one to question customs and I’ve always lost my patience with the monotonies of life. Since I was a child, I wanted to not fit in. I did not want to become ‘just another’ one leading ‘just another’ life. Having ‘just another’ job, and eventually growing up and complaining and regretting like ‘just everyone else’. I’ve always wanted to do something else, become ‘someone else’. I’ve been trying to stand up and do my own thing forever and not giving up into convention, but I’ve been feeling tired over the last year or so.   

You’ve shown me a spark; you’ve shown me a silver lining in the clouds. I feel I can go on. You’re slowly becoming my strength.   

You took me to the most beautiful place in the town, the other evening and I said to you that we wouldn’t make it happen unless we’ve beaten the mediocrity, and I’m trying. I’ve told you my story, I often speak too much. But I know that no matter what I tell you, you will always want to know more, further, because if this works out, it’s also about you, and not just about me.   

I know you have insecurities, well so do I. I know you fear and you think and you over think, well so do I.   

I know it scares you to think that you could lose your soul and I know you fear being trapped in the wrong relationship with the wrong man. I have the same fears. You and I think alike in many ways. I also fear being with the wrong woman.   

You once asked me why I would want to be with you and I listed a few things about you that delighted me. You said “Sameer but these are all about you”. Sia they always will be. If I ask you why you would want to be with me, and if I’m lucky enough to have you say any good thing about me, I’d know it’s good only because it make you comfortable. Is it not our comfort that we always endeavour for?   

You keep telling me and that I’m a boy from the city and I keep telling you you’re a girl from the hills. I always will be and you always will be. We can’t ever change that. The first time I saw you, was the second time I should have seen you. I came once, and I came again. I came again because somewhere I understood why you stood me up, and I’m okay with that. I respect that.  

Call me a man who’s got fantasies in his head, and I’ll be okay with that. It was fantastic to see you at the coffee shop. I saw you as this free spirited girl who stood her ground to stay where her heart is, in a small part of your town, with a dog that maybe is luckier than any man because he has all her love. I’m inspired by your humility, I love how you talk, I love how you think before you talk, and I love the grace with which you conduct yourself. You make me want to come again, and again. If only it didn’t take a really long drive, I’d come every day.   

I like how you trust me. You came with me for a drive in the dark mountains accompanied only with a bottle of bubbly, I know it must have taken a lot for you to do that. It’s nice to feel trusted.   

Why I would want to be with you, is because you complete me, in many ways. You’re deep rooted in the hills, sometimes I wish I was too. But I was born and I grew up in Delhi. It’s a big place, but it’s not a bad place I can assure you.  I’ve made friends who’d give their life for me, friends who I can rely on. It’s got parks I love to walk, streets I love to drive, places I love to dine at. Delhi has treated me nice. I know you don’t quite like the idea, and maybe I’ll never be able to convince you to, maybe somewhere – I don’t want to.  I don’t want Delhi to be the reason for you to be with me, I also don’t want Delhi to be the reason you may not want to be with me. I want you and I to be the reason.   

I’m going to have a leap of faith and the courage of typing it down here to say that Sia, you complete me, you comfort me, you let me be who I am. You don’t tell me I should get a better car, or better clothes, or that I shouldn't sip wine straight from a bottle. You let me be the way I am, and I will let you be the way you are. I wouldn’t expect you to change. As long as I have the faith in you, I will never question.   

 I’m falling for you… 

I know you have trust issues, but because somewhere you trust me with yourself, you told me about them. I told you about my past, because I’m sure of myself. I wouldn’t lie to you. It’s the past because it’s over, just know that. I can’t explain to you how and why and I can’t sign a paper stating it, I can only say it, and live it.   

You’re a beautiful woman, you dared to get your hair cut short, you like blacks and blues and greys, you write and you sing and you play the guitar, you’ve seen all the movies I like, you live with a dog, you make your own tea and you cook your own dinner, you don’t trust easily and you speak selectively and you take time and you ask questions and you shy away when I ask you to look at me, you hold your guard with a man and you’re okay taking a bus back home, you wear interesting shoes and you wear your kajal just right and you understand poetry and you gracefully accept compliments and you’re well spoken and you know the value of money and you give work undivided attention to and you aspire to have a living room like Woodsville and you walk from Strawberry Hill to the road and you address birds as if they were people and you say you like me. 

Sia, I like you a lot. I wouldn't ever disappear anywhere if you will be with me, forever. 

It was magic, but does magic last? No, because magic is nothing but illusion. It sways you, it is fleet as a deer, it disappears in a blink of an eye. Later when it jolts you back with reality, you bury down the magic, and reality takes over -a  realization caused by a decision, of its implications. That my friend happens when you agree to take the next step.

The love tale soon dials back into a conflict of a reasonable man and an emancipated woman.